Bolded sections are by me. And almost EXACTLY match my opinion. I’m just not smart enough to put it the way James does.
WHAT TO DO WHEN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN TRIES TO COME INTO YOUR HOUSE
One time the Federal Government Shutdown came into an apartment I was sharing with a bunch of roommates. It tied us all up and blindfolded us and made us do things to each other. It made us call it “Ted” but I don’t really know if that was its name.
Another time I was riding my bike home from school and the Federal Government Shutdown blocked my way. I turned around but the Federal Government Shutdown was also on the the other side.
It took my Schwinn bike, tied me up, and made me do things to myself.
Those are the primary things you NEED to know about the Federal Government Shutdown. I should explain what I don’t know about the government shutdown.
I have no idea what they were debating that led to the shutdown. Nobody does. It’s a conspiracy!
I don’t know.
I also don’t know anything else about the Federal Government Shutdown because there is absolutely NOTHING that affects the lives of anyone I know.
FACT: It’s important to know that the government pays it’s debts during a budget shutdown. Most people don’t seem to get this.
But the government has to pay it’s debts, even if it means taking a blind janitor who has amazing super hearing and putting him to use at a copy machine that’s hidden in the secret 6th sub-level beneath Goldman Sachs offices to print up enough money to get it done.
I have no idea what Obama has said about the government shutdown or what any Senator or Congressman has said or what happens to government jobs or Obamacare or anything else. I have zero clue.
Because it’s not interesting and adds nothing to my life.
You may have hear this phrase commonly used on TV between smart people: “What will happen with the federal government shutdown?” Is Obama going to have to start a meth lab to pay the government’s bills?
Except it’s not anywhere near as interesting as Breaking Bad. I highly recommend people watch back-seasons of Breaking Bad. Ever since its ended so the newspapers needed something new to talk about.
Or watch Arrested Development (A+ for the episode where Jason Bateman falls for a character played by his sister Justine Bateman).
Here’s what you need to know:
Eventually the government shutdown will end with absolutely no result or consequences.
And during the government shutdown, the US will kill less people, which is a good thing. We’ll get back to killing people once the drones have enough money to fill up their gas tanks again.
The newspapers that predicted panic won’t apologize. They’ll just go onto the next panic. They have to or else they will run out of money. There will be a Federal Newspaper Shutdown.
I have no idea what the fiction writers at the top newspapers will come up with then.
Something truly horrible.
Whatever it is, it will try to get in your room. It will wear a ski mask. It will make the air turn poisonous. It will seize the money from your bank account. It will make brother on brother do things to each other. It might make Claudia beat me in ping pong.
I hope this time everyone is ready for it.
via James Altucher.